Talking about SUICIDE isn’t always comfortable or easy. Yet, talking about suicidal thoughts is ESSENTIAL to HEALING. I talk directly about suicide to help end the stigma and belief that talking about suicide will make someone think about suicide. It’s just not true; in fact talking about suicide tends to lessen the pressure to act rather than “putting the thought into someone’s head.” I hope as you read this you feel seen and understood.
You are likely here because you have a belief that at SOME point you will KILL YOURSELF, it feels INEVITABLE and you wonder if it’s true. Suicidal thoughts are looming, and you wonder will the next hour bring the thoughts in again? It’s a FEARFUL SPACE to occupy. You know from past history of hospitalizations, acting on suicidal thoughts (or coming close to it) that your fear is justified.
The suicidal thoughts began years ago and feel habitual. At their worst anything has the potential to bring up a suicidal thought like having to go to the grocery store. You think, IT’D JUST BE EASIER TO KILL MYSELF than go to the store. Sometimes unstable moods with depression and anxiety bring about an increased affinity towards suicidal thoughts.
Yet HERE you are, still going, still SURVIVING. You are SEARCHING for purpose or something more from life. You’re no stranger to therapy and have TRIED TO COPE in many ways; from a variety of meds, to pushing the suicidal thoughts away, truing towards positivity, telling yourself suicidal thoughts are bad. And all that was EXHAUSTING. Maybe they helped briefly but eventually the SUICIDAL thoughts GREW in INTENSITY.
Now you just aren’t sure WHEN they will COME and how to work with them in a different way. Other PEOPLE DON’T seem to UNDERSTAND you and are little help because of how scared they are about the mention of suicide. There’s a fear that a therapist will hospitalize you if you mention suicide. Yet, you HOPE there’s someone who CAN HELP you get out of the fear of suicidal thoughts.
You have likely been using FAITH PRACTICES to get you through hard times. The church, or faith community, you are part of has been a support for BELONGING. At least you have a place you can MOSTLY be who you are. You pray for guidance and strength to help you get through life. Life is at times still very painful. Sometimes you go to church and find yourself crying during the sermon, not even fully sure why it is at church you keep having these emotions that you try to keep hidden most of the time. Church seems to meet SOME of your needs. Yet, you’re still LEFT WANTING, feeling alone and unworthy of deep true acceptance.
It is in turning to tangible practices that you have developed more intuitive knowing. You stand in rock shops holding stones in your hand and FEELING different ENERGY pulls in your body. You know which stone feels the best. You have a whole collection of stones that provide different qualities and support to you. They help when you remember to use them, and you also know they don’t solve the main issue. Turing to tarot (or angel/guiding) cards gives deeper insight into what is happening for you right now and what you need in your life. You’ve woven together a variety of different practices working to patch together your BROKEN SOUL.
You have explored meditation and deep breathing finding relief at times. Sometimes finding mediation super challenging, just not being able to turn off your brain. Yet, remembering breathing deeper opens up more space in your body making that moment just A LITTLE BIT EASIER.
You’re not necessarily TRYING to get rid of the suicidal thoughts or your pain. Yet, HOPING that the pain doesn’t have to be quite so piercing and overwhelming.
Deep down you are HOPING someone will finally SEE YOU for who you TRULY ARE, even though it feels scary to be fully known. You have worked so much of your life putting on a MASK showing you are in CONTROL. You’ve become a wizard at it in fact! A skill that shows a person who is well put together, managing life well, and connected spiritually. Your wizard ability masks your feelings, so others are more comfortable. Other’s comfort is why you often don’t mention suicide. But what people sometimes don’t see is how UTTERLY ALONE and UNLOVEABLE you feel. You can’t quite fathom why anyone would actually like you and you question if they really do. But that wizard is so skilled it comes out and fear is pushed down, hidden (sometimes even from yourself).
You continue to SEARCH for deeper MEANING in life. Wanting to find your purpose, to be ACCEPTED for who you are, to be relieved of having to struggle in relationships, to know that you are HERE for a REASON.
To know YOU are alive because YOU MATTER.
You want the RELIEF from the suffering that has become your life. You want to BREATHE FREELY. To be free to be yourself. There is hope. Hope still exists. In therapy with me you will find support to BE more truly WHO YOU ARE. To be free to explore suicidal thoughts without the judgment of those thoughts being bad. Because suicidal thoughts are there for a reason, they are there telling you something about your life. Possibly telling you something in your life needs to end. Maybe what needs to end is masking your feelings. Maybe the suicidal thoughts are pointing you to a deeper need. To a need to take a break, to rest.
Imagine a life where you are FREE FROM PRESSURE. A life where you get to be yourself. A life you no longer want to escape. A LIFE that you LOVE! Enjoying the multitude of experiences of life. Where suicidal thoughts very rarely come up and when they do you have the ABILITY to stay GROUNDED and recognize what you NEED for yourself. It’s a life where your needs are finally being met. In this life you are able to accomplish all your needs with acceptance. The grocery store run is just that, going to the store to get food. You make it happen and it’s not a big deal.
You find MEANING in your life and incorporate activities you love doing more often. You have the energy to go hiking, swimming, doing art, and being in healthy relationships. LIFE FEELS RICH and meaningful.
It seems there’s a purpose to life and a drive to KEEP ON LIVING.
In therapy we can LISTEN closely to suicidal thoughts and UNCOVER what NEEDS are inside of you. Then you have the POWER to meet your needs which can provide freedom. Through therapy we can get to know your good friend, suicidal thoughts, in a different kind of way helping that friendship be mutually beneficial. Using your INTUITIVE KNOWING and my skills with intuitive knowing we can venture into DEEPLY HEALING SPACES inside of you. You can learn how to care for yourself in a way that more fully EMBRACES EVERY aspect of YOU. You can find the CONFIDENCE to be yourself in this world. If you are reading this and it resonates with you may you continue your own healing JOURNEY to FREEDOM and CLARITY.
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